I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
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Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Y’all ready for this
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Not recommended for beginners.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.