Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*