More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I have questions??
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Not all heroes wear capes.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.