[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“I FIXED IT!”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
You wish you had this many chins.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.