“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.