Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT