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Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10