Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
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All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Breaking news:
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Damn he played himself
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Happy Halloween 🎃