Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
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There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.