Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.