Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
You Might Also Like
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Yup.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her