Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Can’t stop laughing
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.