If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The answer is funnier than the question
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me