Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.