nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I wanna be friends with this person
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
all bases covered
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
seems fine
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.