A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
first you must answer his riddles
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster