Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Don’t talk down to me
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”