A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
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I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee