My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”