Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
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Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.