Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
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Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
how much for the angry fruit?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot