It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich