Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.