{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
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i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
In Canada they just call them geese
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.