mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
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every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.