*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
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Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth