Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
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I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
This is true.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”