I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.