My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)