[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
#Caturday
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
It’s an epidemic…
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac