*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Feels
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’ve had worse
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good