Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Confused owl: What?!
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.