Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
You Might Also Like
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
when you are just born a rebel
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed