ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Me, in DM rooms…
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.