*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
#SaturdayBears
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Good Morning.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…