8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.