Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*