I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
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It’s an epidemic…
this is what they would have looked like, though
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125