Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”