Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.