[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
You Might Also Like
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
mentally somewhere in italy
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary