Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.