Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
the chicken was already gone when I got here
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Previously On Persistence 😎
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.