welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
You Might Also Like
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Hitlers gonna hitl
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now