My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
🍛
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.