Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
how was your vacation
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄