{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread