[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
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16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I don’t make the rules sorry
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.