Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If you know, you know
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.