Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶